Grief sucks nyash.


All I want to do sometimes is live sorrow-free, shake nyash on a yacht in Dubai and move forward with my life beyond loss. But we have events like, funerals, birthdays, memorials, weddings and death anniversaries that remind us of who is no longer present in our lives.

I thought I was coming to terms with the death of my grandad, who died in 2020. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to go and honour his life at his memorial this summer in Zimbabwe.  

I hoped I had forgiven those who I fell out with when I was struggling with trauma but I sometimes burn with rage and pain when I hear their name. 

I wished to have a wedding with all my loved ones but right now I despise the thought of celebrating what was so radically opposed by those who were closest to me last year.

It's hard to look love in the eye when you have lost so much at once. 

Quite often adulthood feels like the Devil's playground. So much to steward and so much to lose. In all honesty, if I had the choice I would not gain anyone or anything so I could not lose or be abandoned. 

I have left the fields of my childhood and departed into a world of radical change and strife. My closest friendships are a distant memory because I moved geographically or I have changed so much that I no longer satisfy their ideal. 

I've had to voluntarily pave my future often at the expense of my family's approval and even sometimes my childhood dreams. 

In many senses, you attend what feels like a funeral when your expectations are not met.

I am currently mourning what I lost whilst I was supposed to be grieving my grandad, who I lost when I started to deconstruct my fundamentalist faith and who I can never be in relationship with because they are so stuck in their own ways.

What is the substance of your grief?


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