When the opposite-sex are branded as aliens.

Religious PR is overzealous to say the least. So effective that one can be conditioned to fear merely talking to the opposite sex.

A few months ago, Josiah and I stopped off at a service station on the M4 on the way to London. I am grossly interested in self-expression and how it manifests in social settings. I noticed a group of four men with two of their sons, all clothed in the most pristinely cut blue shirt, grey suit trousers and the cleanest haircuts with fades. In my ignorance and simultaneous anxiety, I initiated an inquiry with these men. I said "You are all looking very sharp, have you got a wedding?". They continued to face the Mcdonalds counter and gave me brash responses. In my attempt to avoid further misogyny, I invited Josiah over to chat and in response to this questioning they told him they were apart of a very exclusive religious group (the name has slipped my mind but that is probably a good thing) and were on their way back from a bible conference. They are forbidden from interacting with people outside their religious group, notably women. They all dress the same, drive similar cars and have the same hairstyles. That was the scariest in-person thriller shit I have experienced. I was like fuck, they are not lying in the media when they speak about incredibly occultic behaviour. 

Since leaving the Christian faith and becoming atheist, I have unravelled the doctrines that literally made me one with self-condemnation. Notably the influence of Purity Culture has been the bane of my existence. Purity culture was and still is a very important subculture of Christianity, that emphasises "gender expectations" which are premised on a "strict, stereotype-based binary". My personal experience of it consisted of me seeing myself as a human with less value, given the fact I had partaken in sexual activities and even worse been victim to sexual abuse in my adolescence. I heard spiritual leaders with masses of influence compare one's body to a piece of chewing gum if they had lost their virginity.  

My most significant moment of shame was being at a business conference in Birmingham, that my mum has brought me along to. There was a girl who had been killing it at the University of Oxford showing off about the fact that she had no boyfriend and was still a virgin. I sat there in my non-virgin temple entrenched in so much shame because I could never be her, even if I had tried. 

After losing my virginity at age 14, it felt like I felt I had to do a whole heap of redemption after giving into my 'ungodly' sexual desires. I had failed to stay 'holy and pure' for God and I recall consistently asking him to cleanse me of my inherent impurity. I was primed to be restored back to my ethereal condition by abstaining from sex, avoiding the garnering  of  male attention by making boundaries and dressing modestly. 

I suppose this indoctrination started from my childhood but I actually felt the impact of the doctrine when I had disobeyed the religious laws. It's really interesting because I never consciously sought to lose my virginity - in fact I feel as though it was the inevitable result of the doctrine. I had to try so hard to suppress my sexual desires and also never got the dreaded sex talk, so I wasn't actually prepared for the reality of sex.

I knew for certain too that I had to be loved by a man. I had to get married and live happily ever after. That was God's plan and design. I was naive and desperate to find love from such a young age. Perhaps it was to ensure that I conformed to 'the true design' of things (aka man-made Christian ideals of how society should function.). Upon reflection, this was a pretty tough task, given that the only Christian boys I knew was at my church and they were not really interested in me. I'd watch my beautiful peers at school, date whoever they wanted and with the approval and support of their parents. LOOOOL - I could NEVER. I was not allowed a boyfriend and even if I did he would have to fit a very specific criteria ( I only realised this post-engagement).

Meaning, I could only date to marry. Me being as high in openness struggled to even do this. I was soooo eager to connect to a male, so that we could love each other eternally. The way I fell into losing my virginity was believing that a guy I had spoken to for only two days on snapchat 'loved me'. I invited him over to just be in his company, talk and connect but my misinformed self ended up having the most painful and amateur sex in attempt to make this guy love me. What a fucking idiot. 

Yes I know, I should be kind to my younger self but come on she was so silly. I am much more shrewd now. It only took me like a few years to suss out the actual agendas of many of the guys who deceitfully charmed me to open up my legs.

In short I didn't know how to act when it came to interacting with the opposite sex. I never planned to have sex or give in to my lust, but I just did because of this seemingly insatiable desire to be loved. I tried all of the multiple counsel given to me by my spiritual confidants; not being in the room alone with a guy, having a chaperone, not talking to guys past a certain time, fasting, prayer, deliverance, having next to no physical boundaries, reading God's word to renew my mind and shit I still ended up fucking people or getting in stupid situations. 

I also had this expectation that being with a 'Godly man' would put me in my place. He would lead me and love me like Christ did. He would water me with God's word and ensure I grew. It would be fundamental that I submit myself to his authority. 

I can't help but think that this type of teaching would make me place a man above myself in a hierarchy that would place me in a place of co-dependence.

In hindsight I wasted a LOT of time on men. Making myself modest for them, become more pure for them, under the notion that marriage would be my highest calling. The pursuit of a romantic relationship has been my real God, if I am being really candid. 

Shit - did I see men as aliens. My overzealous yearning to be the most ideal woman often resulted in me being superficial, ingenuous and to be ill-defined in my life mission. 

It's like I had to convoy to several different planets to find 'the one' but at the same time escape the corruptible lure of lust. 

I hate that I could never befriend majority of males for the sake of just connection. It's weird because I am demi-sexual and thirst for emotional connection. I've lost so many opportunities to connect to males because of my fear of interacting with them with the inevitable occurrence of impurity. 

I also feel as though men and women alike have been shamed for having mere sexual desires. They should be allowed to explore and not prohibited from doing so healthily.  I feel as though the religious branding of the opposite-sex as temptations has done so much to destroy relationships from every forming or flourishing. 

It's also very black and white and perhaps the over-policing gender relations has resulted in more socially undesirable outcomes. Personally I am left with the residue of shame and trauma and having to tiptoe around people who still hold to this cursory PR.

Break these unhealthy teachings and think for your fucking self. 

Lots of love, 

V x x x x