The Vigilant Butterfly

 I feel as though I am one with death. In this Autumn season, more people that I have loved have fallen to their graves like leaves. I remember when I lost my Peruvian mother in my early childhood. She would rhythmically rock me to sleep, gently detangle my 4B curls and carve her voluptuous lips into shell of shh's just so I could gracefully sink into my beauty sleep.  When she ascended into the clouds of heaven, I sought to keep my mother alive by seeking refuge in female companionship.  On many occasions, I have succeeded in building upon the femininity that my angel of a mother nurtured me into. I have had beautiful friendships yet I have also felt the loss of their love, as I have become my own woman.  From adolescence, I continue to grieve my mother and also people who are still alive.  Whether it be physical death or the end of a business connection, it all feels one in the same. I no longer need to fly from Bristol to Peru to mourn my mother, I merely hav...

 I wonder if there would be someone out there that would think that having me is enough. Perhaps there is a well-aged gentleman out there, who has tasted and seen of the sweetest things but still deems me to be the holy grail. A grounded man who appreciates all that I have sacrificed and cut away to build us a better future. One who has devoted their remaining years for the betterment of their soul. My husband doesn't seem to be. I think he’d rather sit in the shackles of his past and what he didn’t have or experience. I think he will spend more time mourning than appreciating all that he has now. I feel like living with him is like forcing myself to sit in a graveyard. There are some times where we leave it and see the living people but we often make it back to the garden of tombstones. I prayed for a man who would be devoted to me with the help of God. But now I am Godless and I feel like abandoning this forced ‘arrangement’ and starting something new. But I am in my ea...

  I had dreams that you were gone because they’re no longer here.  And now you’re back, I can accept the fact that you will be gone one day.  Meaning, I must appreciate each and every second with you whilst you are still here.