The Vigilant Butterfly

 I write from a place of rage and despair. I hate mediocrity. The overpriced type, the over-rated kind and the bombastic side eye invoking type. I witness many surrending to what sounds good, feels acceptable and looks ideal. I fucking hate herd mentality. Some of our ancestors would be so free if they even had an ounce of the freedom we have to be, to create and to share.  Yet we put aside our own interests to satisfy the Super-ID. It’s fucking dreadful and if we continue to do that we might as well not dream at all! Don’t live a life that you’ll regret on your death bed. Stop living for your mum, dad, hamster, uncle, auntie, sister, brother, friend, boyfriend, fish or whatever it is you’re living for. Write your own story and seek to collaborate with others who honour your individuality!!

  I’m so desperate to be heard To be seen, to be held but you are so damn occupied with what your shadow wants.  Perhaps I should unleash mine too. Put aside my respect and love for you - All in the vain quest for hedonic pleasure. 

 I used to trust before I distrusted, when I was younger. Now I do the opposite. I’ve learned that people aren’t as good as they seem. Quite often they wear masks and it takes taking yours off to see this. Why would someone want to take off the very accessory that fortifies them?  I guess it’s for the same reason I choose to distrust someone new I meet. It’s like, I don’t know who you are. I only see who you want me to see and if you eventually gain my trust I’ll show you more. I’m learning to grant those who truly honour my need for individuality. Not everyone I see an interest in…

There was a woman, overwhelmed by the burdens of her day, who took great joy in bathing in Rosemary oil. It reminded her that after a day of working and nurturing, that she too is worthy of love. A bath to her used to be something she took forgranted but now she is no longer living an independent lifestyle. She takes her time soaking in every millimetre of hot oil-infused water. She sips her rooibos tea, whilst she ventures to the land of milk and honey. What other may see as a waste of time or a unnecessary lifestyle choice, she sees as a pilgrimage. She doesn’t think she’s spiritual but maybe she is… maybe she ought to romanticise her life more so she could have a peaceful home in her heart and thus forth for her husband and babygirl.

It seems as if some will discredit my choice to leave the Christian Faith because I have experienced church hurt - but would you second-guess my choice to not play rugby anymore because I got a grievous head injury? If you are informed of the impact that an injury would have physically, it shouldn't be hard to understand why mental abuse and damage could produce the same level of impact on one's emotional and social functioning.  Imagine being a part of a team that is supposed to champion a great course conceptually but in action it does the opposite, especially when it counts the most. That's how I feel about MY experience of faith.  I do not intend to project my experience of faith onto others as I know faith works really well for some people, but I feel a deep conviction to share my perspective.   I've heard stories of people mistreated in safe spaces such as the Church and unfortunately I have too. I have definitely experienced more than just hurt and love from i...

 I really have a love and hate relationship with alcohol.  I am a sucker for a bubblegin pitcher from Spoons and I love my rum (in all its forms - white, dark and spiced).  I also love the feeling of sipping my favourite Martini sparkling wine. Even more so now I am a parent, a gin and lemonade really takes the edge of the excess stress. That being said my love for alcoholic beverage must always be balanced out with immense responsibility because I do a MAZZA if I am drunk.  People like to defend their drunken selves as something so foreign but I present the notion that it is your repressed self in full force.  The crimes and things I have done whilst intoxicated are sooooooooo outrageous.  I've revealed parts of my psyche that I didn't even know existed. I have re-enacated repressed trauma on to others, I have used people, betrayed trust and so much more.... My desire to escape by means of  'driving the boat' only created more problems, which is ironi...

 I’ve heard many Christians complain about people forcing other agendas on them yet many seem to do the same to others?  Someone will be walking down the street minding their own business and will be ferociously preached at. It’s so intense sometimes that I’ve often seen debates and hostile encounters between members of the public both religious and non-religious. If believers recognised the negative impact that their evangelism is having on other people they might rethink their partaking in it. It’s like your wanting to convey a good God but your overzealousness does the opposite. It’s so funny because at some point when I was a Christian I used to be out in Birmingham City Centre every Sunday afternoon after church with the hope of seeing ‘souls saved’. Meanwhile, I have a very broken soul and had to literally air out all my business (aka my testimony) in the hope that someone could relate and be convinced of Gods existence and love.  Who was I to think that I had the a...

 Some will only take action  when associating with a movement or person grants them more social capital. I don't want to entertain such people hence why I am happy to share my wounds and bruises. My authenticity almost serves as a weapon to recognise the sociopaths from the genuine. It's interesting because the real are in the minority (the ones who ACTUALLY think for themselves). They tend to consciously face the dragons that attack them whilst their acquaintances turn a blind eye to malevolence.  I don't fuck with people who lack integrity. Those who are grandiose in their social commentary but inept of proximal compassion.  What's bugging me so much about the current social media world is the amount of people jumping on the illogical waves of forced solidarity. If you are not 'Free Palestine' you are inhumane.. It's fucking ridiculous.  My generation claims to hate oppression, yet they parade and live as tyrants.  I get that one can appear as humanitaria...

  I remember being taught to confess my sins, yet when I did it always bit me in the nyash. So I became deceitful and when the truth came out, I used to lie or water it down. Otherwise I’d experience condemnation. I can’t believe I was suicidal because I liked sex. Upon reflection I wasn’t enacting a holy ideal, though I was aiming towards love.  They say God and faith is an antidote to sin yet I feel that Christianity made me sick.   I remember losing my virginity at 14, whilst my parents were away at a funeral in Ireland. I didn’t plan to. I was all alone and believed a guy, that I had only spoke to once on Snapchat, when he said he loved me.  Of course he didn’t. He said to me sweet nothings and got back with his ex after using me. I resent the fact that I was so naive. But perhaps, the seeds of low-self esteem where starting to sprout in the form of sexual curiosity. After I lost my virginity, I changed completely. I told no one besides my two non-religious ...