The Vigilant Butterfly

I study and work hard. I devote my time to hone in on my skill sets but anxiety pops up at the worst times and sabotages me.  The other day I had an informal chat with a potential employer and I couldn’t speak. It’s particularly the area of employment that brings up great anxiety.  I was homeless by reason of fleeing abuse and I was also pregnant. Since then money is a huge concern of mine. So a job application or proceeding to the next step is no longer a privilege to me it’s a necessity. My anxiety strikes me mid-answer to an interview question and I’m suddenly in a world where I feel that I’m being devoured by the beast of death.  Anxiety hijacks my performance and makes me feel incompetent when I’m not. I’m just recovering from great loss and it doesn’t want me to succeed though I stand in a new place. I hope I can conquer anxiety. 

  To some the announcement of your birth was rendered a dishonour to a sovereign God, but for me the discovery of your birth was the gift of life. After, losing my core relationships with family and friends, grief was my attire and I had so many unanswered questions about death, life, love and hate.  The anticipation of a baby transformed my being from a state of apathy and into one of hope. My parental relationships may not ever be how I want them to be but with you I can build something new.  A love that is healthy, empowering and vulnerable. I may be picking up the pieces of my faith and trust but you remind me of life anew. You give me hope.  I love you.

  I trace my footsteps back to New Year’s Eve of 2021, where I wish that my mother’s reactions were oriented towards my happiness because I was being proposed to. I wish that you had spared me of your bitter words that told me to find another mother, that cursed me and doomed me to a fruitless future.  Since I was a little girl I always yearned that you’d see things from my point of view. That you wouldn’t play victim when you sensed even a hint of disapproval towards your toxic behaviour.  Instead of admitting that there are alternate perspectives to yours, you become a tyrant parading your power and innocence to everyone who is affiliated with me.  On the night of New Year’s Eve in 2021, you were supposed to be happy for me. You were supposed to champion me into a healthy view regarding marriage yet you pulled me down and “washed your hands of me”. You made me cry, you dangled grenades of fear over my head and when the proposal didn’t happen the way you wanted to y...