The progressive parent.

 I don’t want to replicate the trauma passed onto me - so I unhealthily map out how not to be a bad mum. I think my biggest fear is being misunderstood. I try my absolute best to be better but that doesn’t often translate to reality. 

Perhaps I mate with perfectionism and convince myself that I am doing the best I can, when I am actually not. All I’m doing is trying to be better than those who hurt me - rather than being the best I can be.

My biggest area of improvement is in the arena of mental health. I’ve been privileged enough to experience financial stability as my parents are very hard working individuals. However I can see how this tenacious effort to provide for their children, family and strangers has infringed upon their right to put themselves first.

I’m sure my parents have pure intentions but I can’t help but recognise how their self-neglect showed up in their ability to parent me. Now I sit here in a similar place to them, processing all the trauma and seeing it map onto my parenting style.

I fear being a helicopter parent so I’m a bit too laissez-faire. I’ve been so focused on how not to be a narcissistic mother that I probably try and push her into independence sooner than she needs. 

The honest truth is that I miss my independence. Less risk, more space to think and experiment. Now it’s a thing where I can no longer think selfishly. Her needs are at the forefront of every decision I make and because I feel that my autonomy was heavily restricted overall I don’t want her to experience the same pain.

I’m grossly motivated by the fear of coddling and suffocating her autonomy that I’m more prone to giving her more freedom that she’s not yet ready for.

I’m processing the weaknesses of my parents style so I can do better. I believe one can always be better. I genuinely look forward to her overview of her childhood and I sincerely hope she breaks any generational cycles that we may pass onto her.

I’m learning that to be a good parent/human being is to be humble. No person is meant to power my ego for my happiness. We ought to aim upwards. 

I need to focus on being the healthiest individual I can be rather than trying to not be those who caused me grief.

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