Hyper-activity is how I cope.

 It's taken me a while to be content with solitude and rest. I used to pursue every whim that would give me distraction yet I would completely avoid the fact that I merely wanted to escape my misery. 

I've done so much in my short amount of time living here on planet earth. My real CV would be full of pages describing the different jobs, volunteering and internships I have done.

This is definitely hereditary. I come from a blood-line of extremely conscientious individuals and I was raised to cook, clean, babysit, work, study, exercise, sing and so much more. I learned to have it all and do it all. 

It's always been a trait of mine being able to leverage chaos and grab every opportunity with promise. As much as a I recognise that its fundamentally been a coping mechanism I am very happy that it was one. I could have been stagnated by a crippling sense of apathy but instead I was raised to be a go-getter. 

Now I am at a stage in my life where my criteria of the things I do and partake in must be essential to my overaching life mission and seasonal goals. Rather than running errwhere and arguably nowhere, I can now use my intense bouts of energy and drive towards the area I feel I can make most impact in. 

I am working on zoning in more on myself and using the zeal I have to empty out the unnecessary and prioritise health.

Health is what matters to me and it's why I am trying to override this desire to have everyone on board, to be at every event. I think it's important for one to calculate the costs and benefits of their decisions - even the little ones (as daunting as they might be).

One may find that they are struggling with productivity because they aren't actually doing what they want to do. Perhaps they may escape the reality of their dreams through networking and avoidant behaviours like partying and smoking. 

I want to note that I am someone who escapes too because I am scared of responsibility. I notice that as a new mum, I am determined to jump at every invitation to numb my grief by just getting out of the house. I mean this is fine - but  I often find there are more pressing issues than catching up with a friend.

I need to sort my shit out, do my laundry, feed the baby and BURP the baby but here I am lured in my the seductive spirit of hyper-activity.

I need to be content.


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