How I fell in love with Conflict resolution.

 Conflict is an event I grew up despising as every time it occurred even in its mildest form, I’d feel like the world was caving in on me. If someone were to honestly tell the truth about how they felt about me or an action, I’d automatically go into hedgehog mode and never be seen again. This was a protective mechanism, my silence would piece you and hopefully exhaust you to the point that we don’t ever speak sincerely.


As opposed to being a rhino who would charge boldly and loudly into what I would consider war, I felt powerless when it came to confrontation. If a stranger or a friend was to give me feedback, I’d see it as an attack rather than a call to growth and understanding.


Though it’s necessary to build fences sometimes to keep the bad things out, it’s not okay to build walls to make yourself exempt from any correction. It’s unhealthy as it’s a serpent-like form of self-sabotage. 


The absence of reprimand may feel bliss and comfortable for your ego but the consequences are dire for your personal and social development if you don’t voluntarily face your fears. 


I convinced myself that my reaction to conflict was a means of wisdom, preventing me from being further misunderstood or hurt. I thought that it would enable someone to retreat from their strong approach and that they’d concede on their standpoint. My conflict approach was essentially a form of manipulation. I could navigate my social disagreements just by shutting off.


Though there were benefits to this conflict method, I found over and over that I severely struggled to maintain friendships as a result of poor conflict resolution. I’d keep my concerns about another person’s behaviour inside until I had reached my boiling point. I’d cut the person off who I was offended by and victimise myself rather than take accountability. It was longgggg for anyone who wanted to be close to me.


It eventually got to a point where I was reflecting at my poor success rate in the field of relationships and friendships that I finally chose to look in the mirror. I saw pride, trauma and fear. 


I had to fall in love with healthy conflict resolution. One person who really nailed this into me was Dana Chanel. She was the same height as me ( 4ft 11)  yet had trained herself to a point where she could effectively deal with conflict in both her personal and professional life. It was sincerely admirable.


My biggest takeaway from her was the necessity of integrity. Choosing to be a true advocate for the truth even where it’s incredibly uncomfortable. If not, the dragons that  I was avoiding out of fear would catch me off guard and would destabilise me. 


I applied this to my personal value system and fortunately met Josiah who absolutely loves conflict resolution. His original household culture was one where they would “Not let the sun go down” whilst someone is angry. This was a huge contrast to my personal approach and it was extremely challenging.


I remember him graciously calling me out on the fact I had lied to my parents about getting tattoos. Though this call to change was incredibly uncomfortable to me he urged me to live my life honestly rather than out of cowardice. I eventually confessed to my parents that I had lied out of fear of judgement and for once I actually stayed present for their correction. 


From them onwards, my relationship with Josiah, my therapy sessions and academic research helped me become more resilient in conflict and ever since I’ve felt genuinely more at home when it comes to expressing my real emotions.


I learned from Jordan B Peterson that a healthy relationship only comes from healthy conflict. The ability to wrestle and contend with another by reason of personal and social development is incredibly powerful.


Another profound gem was learning that I wasn’t the main character of the world. That I had a duty to think beyond my own concerns and listen to the other party who has been affected by me also. 


When it comes to conflict we often overreact or shut down because we feel we aren’t understood. Perhaps we should shift the focus from ourselves and seek to understand others rather than be understood.


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