The Vigilant Butterfly

I study and work hard. I devote my time to hone in on my skill sets but anxiety pops up at the worst times and sabotages me.  The other day I had an informal chat with a potential employer and I couldn’t speak. It’s particularly the area of employment that brings up great anxiety.  I was homeless by reason of fleeing abuse and I was also pregnant. Since then money is a huge concern of mine. So a job application or proceeding to the next step is no longer a privilege to me it’s a necessity. My anxiety strikes me mid-answer to an interview question and I’m suddenly in a world where I feel that I’m being devoured by the beast of death.  Anxiety hijacks my performance and makes me feel incompetent when I’m not. I’m just recovering from great loss and it doesn’t want me to succeed though I stand in a new place. I hope I can conquer anxiety. 

  To some the announcement of your birth was rendered a dishonour to a sovereign God, but for me the discovery of your birth was the gift of life. After, losing my core relationships with family and friends, grief was my attire and I had so many unanswered questions about death, life, love and hate.  The anticipation of a baby transformed my being from a state of apathy and into one of hope. My parental relationships may not ever be how I want them to be but with you I can build something new.  A love that is healthy, empowering and vulnerable. I may be picking up the pieces of my faith and trust but you remind me of life anew. You give me hope.  I love you.

  I trace my footsteps back to New Year’s Eve of 2021, where I wish that my mother’s reactions were oriented towards my happiness because I was being proposed to. I wish that you had spared me of your bitter words that told me to find another mother, that cursed me and doomed me to a fruitless future.  Since I was a little girl I always yearned that you’d see things from my point of view. That you wouldn’t play victim when you sensed even a hint of disapproval towards your toxic behaviour.  Instead of admitting that there are alternate perspectives to yours, you become a tyrant parading your power and innocence to everyone who is affiliated with me.  On the night of New Year’s Eve in 2021, you were supposed to be happy for me. You were supposed to champion me into a healthy view regarding marriage yet you pulled me down and “washed your hands of me”. You made me cry, you dangled grenades of fear over my head and when the proposal didn’t happen the way you wanted to y...

 Most of us are stuck in fractured rhythms of adolescence. When we see growth ahead of us, we suddenly fall into a rut and sink into a sea of self-condemnation. Furthermore, we blame ourselves for being inactive, we criticise our self-worth and become even more helpless.  If we want to acquire our dreams we must work to know ourselves and thus forth we can flourish.  Intimacy. We hear this word a lot when it comes to external relationships yet the word is distant from our minds when we think of ourselves.  When I hear the word intimacy, I feel the wind lightly stroke my skin and I feel the warmth of a kiss touch my skin softly. If I were to continue I would make both you and I cringe so I will spare you of that... All of these described actions can of course be performed by another being, but do you know you can learn to become intimate with yourself? Search your mind for the voice of your inner child. The one that needs to be shown love, attention and care. Listen t...

 Learning reminds me that I am still alive. Like a snail, who feels threatened I often retreat into my shell of literature, art and video content.  New perspectives soothe me like gel on my back and under my feet. I get to slide into a world of beautiful stories. Ones which run wild in fantasy and fiction and yet slowly pull me into a state of euphoria and expansion.  When I am in my shell, I no longer ruminate on the words of my prior predators. Instead I realise that my home of intellect confides me and brings me to a state of safety.

All I want to do sometimes is live sorrow-free, shake nyash on a yacht in Dubai and move forward with my life beyond loss. But we have events like, funerals, birthdays, memorials, weddings and death anniversaries that remind us of who is no longer present in our lives. I thought I was coming to terms with the death of my grandad, who died in 2020. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to go and honour his life at his memorial this summer in Zimbabwe.   I hoped I had forgiven those who I fell out with when I was struggling with trauma but I sometimes burn with rage and pain when I hear their name.  I wished to have a wedding with all my loved ones but right now I despise the thought of celebrating what was so radically opposed by those who were closest to me last year. It's hard to look love in the eye when you have lost so much at once.  Quite often adulthood feels like the Devil's playground. So much to steward and so much to lose. In all honesty, if I had the choice I would...

  Am I the woman that said I never would be?   Naive, neglecting my own needs and limiting myself out of fear. Putting everybody else first before myself. I don’t know.  I tell myself I’m living out love yet I continually endure in painful circumstances of betrayal, even though I remain loyal.  It’s scary that I could be any one I want to be. I guess I’m just figuring out who.